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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #3



EC3 Impact Feast or Fired
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Due to the consistent comedic nature of Anthem and Impact Wrestling, the framework of most of my articles on the subject will be an homage and a parody of Comedy Central’s Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This is not meant to infringe on intellectual or creative property of Comedy Central or the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Mad Man staying planted once again. Yay, I get to bring my friends out of deep freeze and make fun of a Dallas production company that pretends to be a pillar of this circus we call professional wrestling. I will cue the calliope and my boys after the first segment. Austin Aries certainly has a justifiable and respectable ego related to the art form. His pending opposition on the other hand? As progressive as these big tops claim to be, why is this the kind of territorial flashback patrons are stuck with? Fans in Orlando are more like sheep than any of Vince’s mindless zombies. Why is this cockroach allowed to perform anywhere in The United States? Let Mexico or Japan deal with the headache that is this man. As a matter of conscience, I will not report on any of his matches or promos.

As I boot up AI Hercules and PC Little Dragon, we see Caleb Konley accompanying Trevor Lee to the ring for a singles match with a Philippine Big Man called Fallah Bahh. PC Little Dragon asks: “Wasn’t he in an international tag team?” I nod in confirmation. Though, I cannot remember any result/feud of consequence, nor when he was turned baby face. Either way, writers clearly don’t respect the character. He is a foreign giant with child-like mannerisms. After heel tactics outside the ring failed thanks to Bahh’s size, he dragged both cruiserweights into the ring and squashed them with a rolling splash. The big man gave Lee a Samoan Drop but forgot ring positioning and didn’t get the pin. He went for a corner splash. Lee moved and enabled Konley; who isn’t 50lbs heavier than me, to knock a 400lb man off balance with one backhand, this gave Lee the win with a schoolboy. That friends, is textbook professional wrestling logic.

Speaking of which. We then see grainy video of the Ohio Funhouse Trio stalking the wife of Eddie Edwards, who left The Impact Zone once he “saw” her in danger on a monitor. They dragged this storyline throughout the show. Eddie got to Alicia to find her unharmed. Edwards was correctly paranoid, frantically searching the hotel room. The sleep-inducing plot was not advanced until Eddie Edwards bumped into The Next Wannabe Mick Foley in drag. I’m begging indie sheep nationwide not to go see this dork. The perfectly placed maid started a fracas that will drag out for weeks, YAWN!

As much as some of us laugh at Impact for feeling animated, they make an outstanding effort to expose the audience to international talent that most of us wouldn’t normally see. Next match falls into that category when Double-Champion Matt Sydal takes on subcontinental cruiserweight Rohit Raju. The Cartoon Alert surrounding this even contest; which Sydal won with a Shooting Star Press, enveloped proceedings when Josh Matthews went to the ring with him. Turns out, the heelish commentator is Sydal’s Spiritual Advisor. Why not gift the tool The Impact Grand Championship? Hey Prichard, why do you think Impact has enough viewership to absorb making this goof the center of a storyline again? Just curious, I’m a simple mark with a mechanical ass.

This episode centered around “last week’s” Feast or Fired Match. PCLD asks the obvious question: “Isn’t this match kinda odd because we know who isn’t working there anymore? My friend, welcome to the joys of taping your version of the art form weeks behind The Twitter Age. The concept itself would be brilliant for a company on solid ground. Each participant holding a briefcase was interviewed backstage. Typical wrestling promos, each optimistic regarding content of their cases. Of course, me and AI Hercules smirk simultaneously because one of these gentlemen had to be wrong. At least those in creative displayed a sense of humor about such importance. Ethan Carter III was the only one harassed by other talent throughout his diatribe. AI Hercules said: ”If you can’t laugh at yourself. Who can you laugh at?” Moose, Petey Williams, and Eli Drake were the others holding contraband. None of them took a Drill Claw from Brian Cage after assaulting Jeremy Borash. PCLD: ”That’s what happens when you each take a job with a bigger circus.”

Wrestling concluded for this weeks Impact when Knockouts Champion Allie takes on long-time rival Sienna. The Champion had to make a comeback to get the clean win with a superkick. After the bell, Braxton Sutter comes out. In Stereo: “It’s Mister Scrambled Brains!” Dude cuts the same promo he tried to use with Laurel Van Ness two weeks ago while intentionally screwing it up. AI Hercules shrugs, asking: “Other than desperation, why is he doing that?” Rather quickly, we found out. The second insane bride in Impact history runs in to attack Allie from behind. Su Yung happens to be faking death in a wedding dress. She has a nasty spike airplane spin finisher. PCLD turns slowly toward me: “Doesn’t one of your sisters have a dead gimmick?”

I respond, “Yes Little Dragon, and if she wants one Holidead can certainly provide this knockoff with a fight.”

Competition concluded for the week with A Monster’s Ball Match which is a rip-off of everything Mick Foley did. Jimmy Jacobs and his toy have been pestering Abyss to come play. Rewind a week and Father James Mitchell, who was Abyss’ heel manager; and a very good one, was drawn out to say Kongo’s weekly prodding had been heard. If you poke the bear enough, eventually he will wake up. Despite Mitchell’s appearance as an aged Gary Hart, Kong and Jacobs went over when Abyss took a top rope splash on a barbed wire table. It’s official, Impact has a new monster. I turn to my computerized companions and say, “One redeeming quality of the art form is the fact that nothing is permanent.” Despite some over used mechanisms, my boys and I think this was a solid show.

Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!

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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?



Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.

Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood

Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?



It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.

Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.

I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.

The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.

Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.

What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?

The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!

I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!

Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.

Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.

Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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