Connect with us

Cheap Shots

CheapShots: Impact Quickie #3



EC3 Impact Feast or Fired
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Due to the consistent comedic nature of Anthem and Impact Wrestling, the framework of most of my articles on the subject will be an homage and a parody of Comedy Central’s Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This is not meant to infringe on intellectual or creative property of Comedy Central or the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Mad Man staying planted once again. Yay, I get to bring my friends out of deep freeze and make fun of a Dallas production company that pretends to be a pillar of this circus we call professional wrestling. I will cue the calliope and my boys after the first segment. Austin Aries certainly has a justifiable and respectable ego related to the art form. His pending opposition on the other hand? As progressive as these big tops claim to be, why is this the kind of territorial flashback patrons are stuck with? Fans in Orlando are more like sheep than any of Vince’s mindless zombies. Why is this cockroach allowed to perform anywhere in The United States? Let Mexico or Japan deal with the headache that is this man. As a matter of conscience, I will not report on any of his matches or promos.

As I boot up AI Hercules and PC Little Dragon, we see Caleb Konley accompanying Trevor Lee to the ring for a singles match with a Philippine Big Man called Fallah Bahh. PC Little Dragon asks: “Wasn’t he in an international tag team?” I nod in confirmation. Though, I cannot remember any result/feud of consequence, nor when he was turned baby face. Either way, writers clearly don’t respect the character. He is a foreign giant with child-like mannerisms. After heel tactics outside the ring failed thanks to Bahh’s size, he dragged both cruiserweights into the ring and squashed them with a rolling splash. The big man gave Lee a Samoan Drop but forgot ring positioning and didn’t get the pin. He went for a corner splash. Lee moved and enabled Konley; who isn’t 50lbs heavier than me, to knock a 400lb man off balance with one backhand, this gave Lee the win with a schoolboy. That friends, is textbook professional wrestling logic.

Speaking of which. We then see grainy video of the Ohio Funhouse Trio stalking the wife of Eddie Edwards, who left The Impact Zone once he “saw” her in danger on a monitor. They dragged this storyline throughout the show. Eddie got to Alicia to find her unharmed. Edwards was correctly paranoid, frantically searching the hotel room. The sleep-inducing plot was not advanced until Eddie Edwards bumped into The Next Wannabe Mick Foley in drag. I’m begging indie sheep nationwide not to go see this dork. The perfectly placed maid started a fracas that will drag out for weeks, YAWN!

As much as some of us laugh at Impact for feeling animated, they make an outstanding effort to expose the audience to international talent that most of us wouldn’t normally see. Next match falls into that category when Double-Champion Matt Sydal takes on subcontinental cruiserweight Rohit Raju. The Cartoon Alert surrounding this even contest; which Sydal won with a Shooting Star Press, enveloped proceedings when Josh Matthews went to the ring with him. Turns out, the heelish commentator is Sydal’s Spiritual Advisor. Why not gift the tool The Impact Grand Championship? Hey Prichard, why do you think Impact has enough viewership to absorb making this goof the center of a storyline again? Just curious, I’m a simple mark with a mechanical ass.

This episode centered around “last week’s” Feast or Fired Match. PCLD asks the obvious question: “Isn’t this match kinda odd because we know who isn’t working there anymore? My friend, welcome to the joys of taping your version of the art form weeks behind The Twitter Age. The concept itself would be brilliant for a company on solid ground. Each participant holding a briefcase was interviewed backstage. Typical wrestling promos, each optimistic regarding content of their cases. Of course, me and AI Hercules smirk simultaneously because one of these gentlemen had to be wrong. At least those in creative displayed a sense of humor about such importance. Ethan Carter III was the only one harassed by other talent throughout his diatribe. AI Hercules said: ”If you can’t laugh at yourself. Who can you laugh at?” Moose, Petey Williams, and Eli Drake were the others holding contraband. None of them took a Drill Claw from Brian Cage after assaulting Jeremy Borash. PCLD: ”That’s what happens when you each take a job with a bigger circus.”

Wrestling concluded for this weeks Impact when Knockouts Champion Allie takes on long-time rival Sienna. The Champion had to make a comeback to get the clean win with a superkick. After the bell, Braxton Sutter comes out. In Stereo: “It’s Mister Scrambled Brains!” Dude cuts the same promo he tried to use with Laurel Van Ness two weeks ago while intentionally screwing it up. AI Hercules shrugs, asking: “Other than desperation, why is he doing that?” Rather quickly, we found out. The second insane bride in Impact history runs in to attack Allie from behind. Su Yung happens to be faking death in a wedding dress. She has a nasty spike airplane spin finisher. PCLD turns slowly toward me: “Doesn’t one of your sisters have a dead gimmick?”

I respond, “Yes Little Dragon, and if she wants one Holidead can certainly provide this knockoff with a fight.”

Competition concluded for the week with A Monster’s Ball Match which is a rip-off of everything Mick Foley did. Jimmy Jacobs and his toy have been pestering Abyss to come play. Rewind a week and Father James Mitchell, who was Abyss’ heel manager; and a very good one, was drawn out to say Kongo’s weekly prodding had been heard. If you poke the bear enough, eventually he will wake up. Despite Mitchell’s appearance as an aged Gary Hart, Kong and Jacobs went over when Abyss took a top rope splash on a barbed wire table. It’s official, Impact has a new monster. I turn to my computerized companions and say, “One redeeming quality of the art form is the fact that nothing is permanent.” Despite some over used mechanisms, my boys and I think this was a solid show.


Cheap Shots

Dear Smarks: WWE Does Listen To Fans



Stephanie McMahon WWE

Either last week or earlier this week (my days are running together so I don’t remember), Stephanie McMahon was at a summit called ‘Game Changer’ and she made the following comment: ‘We’re successful for one reason only – we listen to our fans.’

The internet smarks ROASTED Stephanie over this comment, mocking her for claiming that WWE listens to their fans when, in their minds, that is clearly not the case. Why? Because Roman Reigns, not Braun Strowman is champion, among other things. Clearly, any company that makes Roman Reigns champion over Braun Strowman isn’t listening to their fans, or at least, their REAL fans. You know, the all-knowing, smark community who know how to run a multi-billion dollar business better than the people who work there do.

I’ve tackled this ‘Real fan’ nonsense in the past and I’m really not in the mood to do it now and the issue of Braun Strowman being champion is an article unto itself. However, let’s be clear here: WWE DOES listen to their fans and the fans they listen to are the fans that buy stuff.

WWE first, last, always, and forever, is a business. They need money to survive and being a publicly traded company, they need money to keep the shareholders happy, that means they have to know who and what makes the money to keep the shareholders happy and keep the company afloat and who is making them the most money is Roman Reigns.

Don’t give me that look. Don’t roll your eyes at me and grumble about him being over pushed and/or shoved down your throat. I can name several people in WWE not named Roman Reigns that are over pushed. The bottom line is that Reigns moves merchandise, his stuff sells and sells really well. Having been to a few WWE TV/PPV tapings, I can tell you that Reigns’ stuff can get a little tough to find and is usually the most requested item.

Now before any of you make snide comments about Reigns having more stuff to sell, I checked WWE’s shop are and compared the number of Roman Reigns shirts to the number of shirts for AJ Styles, in terms of shirts including: T-shirts, tank tops, hoodies and what’s available for both genders, Roman Reigns had thirteen shirts available while Styles had twenty. Thirteen different shirt designs to twenty and that doesn’t include hats, gloves, or the non-wearable stuff available.

Oh, Reigns’ stuff is bought by women and kids, so it shouldn’t count? Here’s my question: So what? It’s still money that SOMEONE is spending on merchandise. If WWE didn’t want women and kids to buy their stuff, they wouldn’t be marketing stuff for women and kids. Why? Because women and kids are FANS!

For those of you still grumbling, here’s some food for your thoughts: Why should WWE listen to their ‘real’ fans? No, I’m serious. Why should they listen to fans who cheer something one week, boo it the next, demand that indy darlings get pushed despite getting mediocre pops from Main Roster audiences, and pay more attention to beach balls and time clocks than the matches? Why should they listen to people who BRAG about spending a lot of money on tickets just to boo one person they don’t like?

WWE is like any company, they listen with their bottom line, and what they’re hearing from fans is that the fans like Reign because that’s the stuff that sells the best. And before you say one thing about about Reigns’ stuff being more available at TV tapings and Live Events, I’ve been to a RAW taping, a RAW PPV, and a SmackDown/205 taping and while Reigns stuff was at SmackDown, there was also a lot of Styles and Cena stuff available at RAW events and I’m not hearing any complaining about that.

Maybe the problem isn’t that WWE isn’t listening, it’s just that your views aren’t the what the majority paying fans think or want. WWE is catering to what most of their fans want, not just the small minority that can’t seem to make up their minds about what they want.

Continue Reading

Cheap Shots

Cheap Shots: Should Finn Balor Quit WWE?




Why Finn Balor should “Quit” The WWE

After seeing KO burst into tears on Monday night RAW two weeks ago and “quit” there were a slew of videos about why KO “quit”. The biggest one was to revitalize his character. So in playing the devils advocate why not have the first Universal Champion quit? Here’s why!

After Balor won and “lost” the title after 2016 SummerSlam he’s had and up and down career in the main roster. The once longest reigning NXT champion was a phenomenon when he joined the NXT, but once he hit the main roster, while fan support is still there it is fleeting. He had a brief reunion with Gallows and Anderson which might’ve singled a heel turn to fans, a feud with Rollins for the IC title and has had back to back to back matches against Baron Corbin. None of which have done anything for the superstars character. A heel turn might have helped a few months ago, but the repetitive booking has kind of killed that momentum. 

With Finn away from the scene for a while it might help the WWE reevaluate the talent that is Finn Balor, it might also give Finn time to figure himself out too. With a WIN to his name against Elias, it seems like the co-founder of the Bullet Club may either turn to his alter ego The Demon, or perhaps a superstar shakeup is in order and he should be in place to get Balor back in the limelight. Right now, Raw seems packed full of main card talent that is either starting a faction of sorts I.E. Braun, Drew and Dolph or is turning on The Shield. 

Listen, while SmackDown Live is producing the better show, it is not like the talent on there is being utilized any better. Nakamura is in limbo with the U.S. title, Aj and Joe are having a great feud in terms of promos, but not in the squared circle. The only thing that brings SmackDown Live as the A show is really their tag division and the Charlotte Flair/Becky Lynch feud. 

So maybe a frustrated Finn goes away, and comes back as The Demon on SmackDown Live and interjects himself in the feud between AJ and Joe, maybe he causes friction between The Club and AJ and they “screw over” AJ during a title match, the possibilities are endless moving Balor to team blue, but what this boils down to is WWE needs to make this move while Balor is still a fan favourite and what I mean by that is that he will always have the crowd behind him, but even the loyalist fans can get bored. 

Continue Reading

Connect on Facebook


Trending Today