Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!
Due to the consistent comedic nature of Anthem and Impact Wrestling, the framework of most of my articles on the subject will be an homage and a parody of Comedy Central’s Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This is not meant to infringe on intellectual or creative property of Comedy Central or the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
Mad Man staying planted once again. Yay, I get to bring my friends out of deep freeze and make fun of a Dallas production company that pretends to be a pillar of this circus we call professional wrestling. I will cue the calliope and my boys after the first segment. Austin Aries certainly has a justifiable and respectable ego related to the art form. His pending opposition on the other hand? As progressive as these big tops claim to be, why is this the kind of territorial flashback patrons are stuck with? Fans in Orlando are more like sheep than any of Vince’s mindless zombies. Why is this cockroach allowed to perform anywhere in The United States? Let Mexico or Japan deal with the headache that is this man. As a matter of conscience, I will not report on any of his matches or promos.
As I boot up AI Hercules and PC Little Dragon, we see Caleb Konley accompanying Trevor Lee to the ring for a singles match with a Philippine Big Man called Fallah Bahh. PC Little Dragon asks: “Wasn’t he in an international tag team?” I nod in confirmation. Though, I cannot remember any result/feud of consequence, nor when he was turned baby face. Either way, writers clearly don’t respect the character. He is a foreign giant with child-like mannerisms. After heel tactics outside the ring failed thanks to Bahh’s size, he dragged both cruiserweights into the ring and squashed them with a rolling splash. The big man gave Lee a Samoan Drop but forgot ring positioning and didn’t get the pin. He went for a corner splash. Lee moved and enabled Konley; who isn’t 50lbs heavier than me, to knock a 400lb man off balance with one backhand, this gave Lee the win with a schoolboy. That friends, is textbook professional wrestling logic.
Speaking of which. We then see grainy video of the Ohio Funhouse Trio stalking the wife of Eddie Edwards, who left The Impact Zone once he “saw” her in danger on a monitor. They dragged this storyline throughout the show. Eddie got to Alicia to find her unharmed. Edwards was correctly paranoid, frantically searching the hotel room. The sleep-inducing plot was not advanced until Eddie Edwards bumped into The Next Wannabe Mick Foley in drag. I’m begging indie sheep nationwide not to go see this dork. The perfectly placed maid started a fracas that will drag out for weeks, YAWN!
As much as some of us laugh at Impact for feeling animated, they make an outstanding effort to expose the audience to international talent that most of us wouldn’t normally see. Next match falls into that category when Double-Champion Matt Sydal takes on subcontinental cruiserweight Rohit Raju. The Cartoon Alert surrounding this even contest; which Sydal won with a Shooting Star Press, enveloped proceedings when Josh Matthews went to the ring with him. Turns out, the heelish commentator is Sydal’s Spiritual Advisor. Why not gift the tool The Impact Grand Championship? Hey Prichard, why do you think Impact has enough viewership to absorb making this goof the center of a storyline again? Just curious, I’m a simple mark with a mechanical ass.
This episode centered around “last week’s” Feast or Fired Match. PCLD asks the obvious question: “Isn’t this match kinda odd because we know who isn’t working there anymore? My friend, welcome to the joys of taping your version of the art form weeks behind The Twitter Age. The concept itself would be brilliant for a company on solid ground. Each participant holding a briefcase was interviewed backstage. Typical wrestling promos, each optimistic regarding content of their cases. Of course, me and AI Hercules smirk simultaneously because one of these gentlemen had to be wrong. At least those in creative displayed a sense of humor about such importance. Ethan Carter III was the only one harassed by other talent throughout his diatribe. AI Hercules said: ”If you can’t laugh at yourself. Who can you laugh at?” Moose, Petey Williams, and Eli Drake were the others holding contraband. None of them took a Drill Claw from Brian Cage after assaulting Jeremy Borash. PCLD: ”That’s what happens when you each take a job with a bigger circus.”
Wrestling concluded for this weeks Impact when Knockouts Champion Allie takes on long-time rival Sienna. The Champion had to make a comeback to get the clean win with a superkick. After the bell, Braxton Sutter comes out. In Stereo: “It’s Mister Scrambled Brains!” Dude cuts the same promo he tried to use with Laurel Van Ness two weeks ago while intentionally screwing it up. AI Hercules shrugs, asking: “Other than desperation, why is he doing that?” Rather quickly, we found out. The second insane bride in Impact history runs in to attack Allie from behind. Su Yung happens to be faking death in a wedding dress. She has a nasty spike airplane spin finisher. PCLD turns slowly toward me: “Doesn’t one of your sisters have a dead gimmick?”
I respond, “Yes Little Dragon, and if she wants one Holidead can certainly provide this knockoff with a fight.”
Competition concluded for the week with A Monster’s Ball Match which is a rip-off of everything Mick Foley did. Jimmy Jacobs and his toy have been pestering Abyss to come play. Rewind a week and Father James Mitchell, who was Abyss’ heel manager; and a very good one, was drawn out to say Kongo’s weekly prodding had been heard. If you poke the bear enough, eventually he will wake up. Despite Mitchell’s appearance as an aged Gary Hart, Kong and Jacobs went over when Abyss took a top rope splash on a barbed wire table. It’s official, Impact has a new monster. I turn to my computerized companions and say, “One redeeming quality of the art form is the fact that nothing is permanent.” Despite some over used mechanisms, my boys and I think this was a solid show.
MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will
Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.
Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.
I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.
The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.
Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.
Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!
In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.
“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.
Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!
Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”
For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!
Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?
When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.
This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.
For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?
Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.
She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.
Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.
Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.
Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?
Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?
Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.
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