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Quick New England turnaround in the big bird as we hit the Capitol city of the smallest state in the country. So much for thinking Round 2 of The Superstar Shakeup would be less insane because SmackDown Live is a shorter show. Once again. passengers are instructed to grab their oxygen masks and take a deep breath. Air sickness bags won’t be required. Tuesdays tend to make more sense at this circus. Show starts as AJ Styles’ music hits. The WWE Champion is frustrated. Who wouldn’t be after repeated shots to the little rocks? The Phenomenal One wants a fight. His request is answered, but The Artist Formerly Known As is nowhere in sight. Instead, it’s Rusev Day. A match between Styles and The Lion of Bulgaria ends in a schmoz when Aiden English jumps AJ to avoid a quick finish. A 2-on-1 attack leads Daniel Bryan to make the save.
Shakeup craziness starts when Shelton Benjamin comes out solo. Chad Gable has moved to Raw. More on that as necessary. Brock’s college buddy cuts a heel promo on his former partner while asking for “big competition”. Okay Shelton, can you handle a Viper? Except, Randy Orton and his music are hijacked half-way up the aisle. It’s Jeff Hardy, and my Seth Rollins to SmackDown prediction was DEAD wrong. Jeff was sent to RAW to bring The United States Championship back to Tuesdays. Just Creative making sure smart marks are still clueless sometimes, nice swerve!
In a slight bit of strangeness, Orton looked on from the ramp without getting involved. Benjamin is a veteran ace, but there is no way Vince was giving him Gold last night. It was a solid match. The Charismatic Enigma won clean with A Twist of Fate & Swanton Bomb. Betting Cowboy Bob’s Kid will continue lurking in the weeds assuming Hardy gets passed Jinder Mahal in the desert. For once in your obnoxious life; Vinnie, don’t turn this into a triple-threat when it isn’t necessary. Otherwise you’ll add more credence to my Mahal/Carmella comparison.
We have now entered the squash portion of the program. Although Superstar Shakeup goosebumps for most smart marks and sheep would return shortly. First, there was a singles match between Harper and Jey Uso with each man’s partner at ringside. This was over quickly. Harper went over. Intensity did not dissipate after the bell as Jey was knocked unconscious. The Bludgeon Brothers then turned their brutality to Jimmy, tossing him easily around the outside. The Samoan’s painful exodus halted at the ring steps. The ginormous Tag Team Champions threatened to squash his head with a mallet. Fourth Wall Alert: This brought a freaked-out Naomi from the back to protect her husband. Luckily, the monsters showed some mercy and left. Good luck finding a team to take The Gold off of them.
Next in-ring action finds Hunico waiting for opposition. For blind marks and other sheep. There’s only been ONE Sin Cara! The real deal is apparently competing for a top promotion in Mexico. In the current art form: only Rey Mysterio EVER moved on the same wavelength. Unfortunately, The Faceless One is the closest thing I’ve seen to a human piñata. It’s hard to perform in The American Style; acrobat or not, if you are constantly injured. Even though Vince is clueless in terms of handling his kind of talent, WWE fans were blessed they blinked long enough to see him. Guessing my passengers weren’t expecting to find that soapbox in cargo. Please stand by as we return to The Superstar Shakeup. The knockoff was ready to be a carpenter for…. Samoa Joe! Joe beat him in under five mins. leaving the rest of the fighter’s time for a promo. C’mon Joe; please don’t have a heart attack while holding a microphone. Don’t forget to breathe. If he can stay healthy, this could be fun. Otherwise, I am shoot scared for him.
Cut backstage: Rene Young is interviewing Daniel Bryan. She asks him why he helped AJ Styles. The American Dragon says he respects The Champ. During his three-year fight, Styles’ name was at the top of his list of potential matches upon his return. Suddenly, Daniel stops mid-sentence and looks up. Rene stops, slowly pointing the mic upward. First, we don’t see a face, but the physique is unmistakable. We haven’t seen Big Cass since his knee injury months ago. “This is what all the hype is about?” This just got good!
In a pathetic reminder of Stamford stupidity, sheep are taken from Incredible potential to an unnecessary waste of space with The Mellabration. Thankfully, The Fake Wrestler was interrupted by Charlotte. Given the level of last week’s Down Under beatdown, I was shocked. Slowly, Second Nature came to the ring, poking holes in Carmella’s Kleenex. Bringing up the mugging from last week. Even mentioning a certain chinless freak! PREACH! The Iconics came out to interrupt things; recapping the assault and congratulating Blondie Circus on wasting time. The Sexy Koalas tried to press repeat on last week until Becky Lynch ran down for backup. One of The Aussies made her competitive debut. It was Billie Kaye. She was impressive, but give Charlotte prep time, and any girl’s in trouble. Kaye tapped out to The Figure Eight with Peyton Royce at ringside; and Carmella looking bored at the commentary table. About as bored as me watching her steal money. Bell rings, heels jump Charlotte and Becky 3-on-2. Who did The Superstar Shakeup send to make the save? The Rising Sun Mystic! At even strength, the arrogant heels left in serious pain.
Main Event time! After the Rusev/Styles contest ended with a run-in from Aiden English, our new GM had to do something. With a better bounce than Teddy Long EVER had, Paige makes the obvious tag match between Styles & Bryan and Rusev Day. The match was good for just over ten minutes before The Artist Formerly Known As came through the crowd. At this point, AJ Styles wishers he was a Mounds instead of an Almond Joy. Not to mention, Big Cass ran in and kicked Daniel Bryan’s head off! No parrot should put a microphone in Shinsuke Nakamura’s face. He’s not gonna answer you! Alright Pale Rider, find two baby faces and make the 8-man tag match next week. That show was a pin ball game. I can certainly see why a ton of fans think SmackDown Live made out better than RAW with The Superstar Shakeup. However, my heart will always be where I can find Mercedes. I will see my passengers in St. Louis next week. Safe travels everyone!
Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?
When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.
This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.
For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?
Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.
She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.
Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.
Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.
Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?
Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?
Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.
Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood
Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?
It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.
Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.
I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.
The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.
Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.
What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?
The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!
I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!
Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.
Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.
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