With the company coming off arguably the most public and busiest non-Mania month in WWE history; I was asked to fly the jet from Baltimore back into The Empire State Capitol. This time, to what was certainly an ancillary stop for the old man’s original four-lettered territory. On top of the most ambitious travel schedule Vinnie has ever put in front of his talent, a massive television contract was finalized in the last few days. This contract delineates a sad day for smarks, sheep, and all fans of the art form because our thoughts and opinions regarding this soap opera we love have just disappeared in a billion-dollar black hole. I am truly saddened for all of us.
With this explosive news in the background, what did we get for the first Monday Night Raw in The States in two weeks? When I was a young fan, Jesse Ventura used to refer to certain baby faces by telling us: “He’s got a million-dollar body and a ten-cent brain.” Last night, fans got stuck with the dime. RAW opens with GM Kurt Angle being properly serenaded with a “YOU SUCK!” chant as he heads to the ring. I hope he enjoyed the feeling. It was straight downhill from here. Angle was not given five minutes to hold his own balls. I wonder who cut them off? Oh look, Daddy’s Little Girl is back. Stealing someone’s chance because Vince struggles to make authentic heels. Her arm has healed. She has too much make up. Her mouth is still functional. The same cannot be said for her brain. Welcome to the downside of allowing ownership to play pricks on television. Stephanie, the match and results at WrestleMania were booked by your gene pool. Three choices: Shut your mouth, get off camera, or break the fourth wall.
After The Wicked Witch puts her Ginsu away, she mentions Roman Reigns. Before she can finish her thought, The Big Dog is unleashed from the back to a chorus of boos. He is still struggling with cutting promos years into his run. They are asking him to do John Cena style mic work. The next person who can do that is a generation away from the roster. Hype Machine actually says Management doesn’t wanna put Gold on him. Save it Roman. This latest accusation brings Kevin Owens out to remind him that he is not the only performer with authority issues. After getting to close to Steph, KO earns a singles match with Roman to commence immediately.
Kevin Owens is a fantastic bump taker. After about ten minutes of literally being turned inside-out; including a spear and Superman Punch, The Canadian was barely hanging on. This was the perfect time for Jinder Mahal to run in and exact some revenge for being put through a wall last week. This interference gave Roman the win by DQ. We weren’t done though. The Big Dog has backup too. Dude’s Shield Brother comes out to even things up. Seth Rollins was already a great athlete, but he is flirting with oxygen very few can breathe. Very little of what he is doing right now doesn’t look like it has an athletic purpose. His coin flip dives from ring to floor were breathtaking. Very rarely does Creative enable someone to hit a finish immediately after missing it, like you would try to do in a REAL FIGHT! It happened last night to give Reigns & Rollins the win. Seth Rollins is carrying the men’s division of Monday Night Raw right now.
My sincerest apologies for the nightmare we must walk into at present. Before we go into the wormhole, I’d like to remind my readers that this is 2018 and Bobby Lashley can work anywhere in the world. Last week, Sami Zayn of all people cut a promo telling us he would expose Lashley as a fraud by bringing his sisters to Monday Night Raw for an interview. Quick. does anybody but Vinnie care about this? Last night, the skinny Canadian bounced his way to the ring like he had solved The Kennedy Assassination. Instead, he called out three guys in drag to rehash this opioid-induced train wreck. This is 2018. Then Zayn called Lashley out to confront him with this bad joke. Walking Armageddon came out to crickets, disposed of the gentlemen quickly, and left to the same crickets. Anyone, including my colleagues thinking Vinnie’s negotiating skills turn him into Einstein with a script, just watch this segment. Yes Bobby, it’s 2018 and you sold your athletic soul to New York for six figures and THIS!
Three recess segments and I still fell asleep. That tells you how bad this episode was. First, Alexa Bliss is backstage cutting a history-based promo on The Romans and The Visigoths? Interesting set up to explain away her New Year’s Day loss to Ember Moon. Nice try Little Miss Math Class. You still haven’t graduated yet! Ten minutes and one BFF having a conniption fit later, The Lunar Lone Star won clean with The Eclipse. Excuse me, how does Little Miss Bliss have two pieces of Raw Women’s Gold? That’s right, she worked with a pro. Watch them hand her the briefcase. Sadly, more crickets. This time for the ladies. A Four-Way Money in The Bank Qualifier. Participants: Liv Morgan, Natalya, Sarah Logan, Dana Brooke. Only two of these girls have a pulse. Nattie got payback on Logan for the incident prior to the desert with The Sharpshooter and a clean tap out for the win. This night cements the case that Sasha Banks is indeed carrying The Raw Women’s Division. After the match Nattie cut a strange promo on her friendship with Ronda Rousey and what will happen in Chicago. Speaking of Ms. Rowdy, she signed the contract opposite Nia Jax. Even with Steph stirring things up, this segment felt slightly forced. Ronda is getting better on the mic. They didn’t bring her to Stamford to talk. I really don’t wanna see this match in June.
The rest of the show could’ve happened two months ago. Elias cuts a great promo. TURN HIM ALREADY! He beat Bobby Roode clean with The Drift Away. Bothers me when a guy like Roode is brought in to job out. He has more talent than that. Move these gentlemen along please. Baron Corbin beat No Way Jose for the millionth time on TV. The Former Lost Puppies; now being called The B Team, beat Breezango again. Stop acting like me if I won a match clean. You have generational legacies, respect them. Dolph Ziggler cut a promo on Chad Gable in a hallway. Of course this lead to a match with Drew Galloway standing outside the ring. For a nanosecond, I thought the former amateur Pan-American Games participant had a chance. Then my eyes opened. Dolph went over clean and Galloway landed a Claymore Kick afterward. Earlier in the night, Finn Balor and Braun Strowman were looking for a rematch with the above-mentioned duo. Steph hijacked Angle’s office. She was being her typical self. No tag-match. Rather, a main event singles contest between the two. After a surprisingly competitive match. Braun went over clean. Assuming Vince McMahon even had a brain after Steve Austin’s retirement, this is easily the worst episode of Monday Night Raw in five years, if not longer. I hope that money didn’t go to his head or somewhere else. Hopefully SmackDown is better.