We’re less than two weeks away from Survivor Series, a Thanksgiving tradition unlike any other. I loved this show as a kid because of all the crazy teams we’d see that we would never see otherwise. The first WWF tape I remember renting from Blockbuster Video was the 1990 Survivor Series. The format’s changed over the years, but I think we’re back to a point where the show has regained its spot as one of WWE’s top events of the year. At least in my eyes.
We’re going to look ahead to this year’s event by looking back at some classic Survivor Series teams from yesteryear. Well, wait a minute, we’re doing that next week. This week, we’re looking at some not so classic Survivor Series teams. Some were lacking in talent, others were lacking in creativity, and some just had no chemistry.
Here are the Top 5 Worst Survivor Series Teams.
5. (tie) Billy Gunn, Justin Bradshaw, Salvatore Sincere & The Sultan (1996), Aldo Montoya, Bart Gunn, Bob Holly & Jesse James (1996)
WWF was at a low point in 1996, and a Survivor Series match pitting these two teams against each other puts it on full display. If you put all of these men in this match at their creative apexes, you’d have something like this: Bad Ass Billy Gunn, JBL, Rikishi & Indy Patriot vs. Justin Credible, Bart “The Hammer” Gunn, Hardcore Holly & Road Dogg. You’d have to change some alliances around to make it more logical, but everybody in the match would be better than they were here.
Shawn Michaels gets a lot of crap for not drawing in 1996, but when you look at how these undercards were booked you figure out why he didn’t. There hasn’t been a world champion that’s going to make me go out to see Aldo Montoya, Salvatore Sincere & The Sultan.
4. Goldust, Marc Mero, Steve Blackman & Vader (1997)
OK, we’ve got some talent here. Vader & Goldust are certainly legends, Steve Blackman had an odd charisma about him, and Marc Mero had Sable. My issue with this team comes from the name: Team USA. The Patriot was originally part of this, got injured & was never seen on WWF television again. We were left with these fine representatives of America…
Marc Mero: working a boxer gimmick & doing a slow heel turn because he was jealous of Sable.
Steve Blackman: a fan that came out of the crowd that had a martial arts background.
Goldust: refused to cooperate with his teammates during the match, as he was splitting from Marlena & was headed down a weird mental road where he became the Artist Formerly Known As Goldust. The less said, the better.
Vader: in the weakest period of his career & cut this promo a few months later:
So yeah. Can I get a USA?
3. Rowdy Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, The Bushwhackers (1989)
This just doesn’t work on a couple of levels. For one thing, there’s the whole thing with Piper, Snuka & a coconut. If there were two guys in the 1980s WWF that never should have teamed, it was Piper & Snuka. Fortunately, they neglected to mention any of this when on camera together. Then, there’s the lack of sanity from everybody involved.
Seriously. Does that look like a team in the right frame of mind to beat anybody in a wrestling match? They’re not in the right frame of mind to order lunch. Rowdy’s Rowdies were a little too flaky to have much of a chance against cerebral assassins like Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect & the Fabulous Rougeaus.
2. Dangerous Danny Davis, Bad News Brown, Greg Valentine, Honky Tonk Man & Ron Bass (1988)
Early Survivor Series history gave us some lame teams headed up by the Honky Tonk Man. In 1987 he, Davis & Bass teamed with Harley Race & Hercules. (Harley’s presence kept that team from consideration, even if it was the WWF King version of Harley.) That didn’t go very well, so the next year they went with Bad News Brown & Greg Valentine. Brown was so disgusted by the quality of his teammates that he walked away from the match the first time one of them accidentally hit him. Can you blame him?
Honorable Mention: Shawn Michaels & His Knights (1993)
Survivor Series 1993 was originally supposed to feature a match pitting the Hart Family against noted Hart-hater Jerry “The King” Lawler & his Knights, who were three random masked men. After Lawler needed time away from the WWF to deal with allegations of a sexual nature, Shawn Michaels was put in as his replacement. He hated Bret, so it made sense on that level. But why in the heck would he have Knights? He should have made them the Heartbreakers or something like that.
1. Big Boss Man, Mideon, Prince Albert & Viscera (1999)
Hey, I’ve got no problem with the Big Boss Man. But when your team gets beat in a 1 vs. 4 Survivor Series Match in under two minutes, you are officially the worst team in Survivor Series history. I don’t care if the one man was the Big Show, who weighed as much as some of the teams in Survivor Series history. You just can’t do that. At least the Boss Man was smart enough to get while the getting was good. Show chokeslammed & pinned the other three geeks in a little over a minute.
Of course, Show was operating on rage & aggression after all the horrible things Big Boss Man had said over the previous months.
They just don’t make feuds like this anymore.