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Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News! (8/10/20)

A lot of strange stuff is happening in Hyrule!



Hyrule News Midna Glitch

Things are only getting stranger for Hyrule Puro-Resu!

HPW Media has managed to catch up to the Twilight Princess after the Treasure Island event. From the look in her eye during her backstage interview, she had an idea how to get back at Cia.


Midna uses her magical hair to hold up a laptop.

She types with her normal hands, and her eyes dart around the screen looking at the information flying around a mile a minute. She seems to find something useful to her and clicks. “There you are!” She does more typing and hits the enter key with authority. “ZANT! You Hanzo maining, Fortnite dabbing, microtransactioning DORK! Give me back my stuff!!” Zant’s flustered reaction can be heard on the speakers. “M-m-m-m-m-Midna?! H-h-h-h-h-how did you find me!?” Oh, please! He still runs Diababa for his security platform! Getting in was #EZPZ! She has access to everything! And if he doesn’t give back the other Fused Shadow pieces he stole from her, he can say good-bye to his Level 85 Mage’s Cloak of the Chance Eater! NO! It took him hours to defeat Nydella the Chaos Weaver! “Then you better cough ’em up!!”

Well how is he supposed to get them to her? Where is she? She’s already heading to the HPW Training Center in the Zora Domain. All he has to do is show up, hand the Fused Shadows over, and she’ll leave his accounts alone. She has his geotag, too, so he can’t claim to be too far away. She’ll give him one hour. Zant grumbles but accepts the deal. Will he go through with it? Or try to double cross Midna the moment he arrives?


HPW hears from Tingle.

“Tingle-tingle, everyone! Kooloo-Limpah~! You won’t believe it, but I’m soooo~ close to finding the Kokiri! See, my map here…” He puts up what appears to be a homemade map, and a rather poorly drawn one at that, in front of his phone’s camera. Is that a doodle of himself with bulging biceps? Tingle brings the map away before continuing. “I’ve covered so much of… Well, mostly Central Hyrule, and a little of the Bottomless Swamp. By the way, do NOT go into the Bottomless Swamp without a flotation device or you’ll find out how bottomless it really is.” Tingle admits he’s going to need a lot more paper as he goes out further, but he is absolutely sure the Kokiri are still somewhere in the very middle of the continent.

Tingle stops and takes a look around in comparison to his map. Just visible over his shoulder, peeking out from behind a tree, is Skull Kid! Tingle doesn’t see him waving and chuckling. Skull Kid ducks behind the tree while Tingle starts walking forward again. Skull Kid can be seen zigzagging between the trees like something from a cartoon. Tingle gives us a look at where he’s headed, and Mount Daphnes is in view. Tingle plans to go up the mountain and look around for “prime Kokiri real estate.” But as he turns the phone around again, Skull Kid swipes the map! Skull Kid can be heard laughing like a hyena as Tingle chases after! “Your map really sucks, Tingle!” “Shut up! I don’t have a working printer so I couldn’t use Hyrule Paint!” The video ends with one more cackle from Skull Kid. Will Tingle ever get his map back? Will he ever find a real-life Kokiri?


Zant arrives at the Training Center.

He is obviously very wary as he walks up. He looks around for Midna but doesn’t see her. He shouts “Where are you?” as he approaches the door. His phone vibrates and he looks to see he got a new text message. “Go around to the back.” Zant looks around again before walking around the corner. He goes through a narrow alleyway between buildings to get to the back lot. Midna sits on a railing, laptop still in hand. “Did you bring them?” Zant brings his backpack around to the front and opens it up to show her the other three pieces. “Now leave my accounts alone.” Not until the hand-off is complete. He needs to come closer.

Zant steps forward, but very slowly. He wants to know she won’t snatch the Fused Shadows away and still mess with his accounts. Well, she can’t back out of his accounts before getting the Fused Shadows. If he steps close enough and puts the backpack down, she will undo the hack. Well he’s not going to put the backpack down unless he knows she’s going to undo the hack. The classic stand off is only mildly amusing to her, and she swears she’ll strangle him if he takes any longer. Zant keeps walking forward until they’re about a a couple yards apart. He tosses the backpack to the halfway point, easily within reach of her magical hair. She floats over to the backpack, turns the laptop around, and shows him she already logged out. The deal is done.

But then Zant uses the straps dangling from his sleeves to grab the backpack! But Midna’s hair has already grabbed it, too! They have a tug o’ war, pulling on the straps! The straps rip off and both of them stagger back! They both hurry up and rush forward! But as Zant aims for the backpack, Midna aims for him! HIP ATTACK! Zant gets hit right in the head! Midna picks up the backpack, zips it up, then CLOBBERS Zant with it! Midna scoops up her laptop and says “Thanks for giving these back!” as she floats away. What are the Fused Shadows’ importance? When and where will Midna share that secret with the world?

My Thoughts:

Well first of all, those who know the Zelda video games should already know where the Fused Shadows angle is going. I just wanted to find a good way of motivating it into the kayfabe of Hyrule Pro-Wrestling. As for Tingle and Skull Kid, obviously there are plans in the works, which is why I planted the seed. Just wait and see what I have in store for them!

Let us know what you think on social media @ChairshotMedia and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!

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