Well, they don’t have WWE money anymore and didn’t sign with AEW so this is how they will do their business. God knows where the income is even coming from, probably left over Stimulus Check money. Jericho and Orton have said their peace about this event and with such names like Chavo Guerrero, Swoggle, Alex Koslov and Rocky Romero, it will be the worst thing of 2020 since the Coronavirus.
Time to catch a beerski because I played Cornerback, not Center like Big LG in football so, time to stomach Talk N’ Shop-a-Mania.
- Social Distancing Battle Royal: Chico El Luchador last Eliminates Alex Koslov’s Bearded Mother to become the Inaugural Talk N’ Shop-A-Mania 24/7 Championship: * 3/4
- Frankie Coverdale vs “Nature Boy” Paul Lee in a Contract on a Tree Match: Winner is… who cares. 3 Elvis’ out of Five
- Hardcore Match: George North vs Stump Kowalski: Ends because Gallows Called It: 7 Foot Deep End
- 80’s Russians vs Jungle Kittens: Russians win via Russian Sickle: Fuck You. The 90s Rule
- Rory Fox vs Swoggle Ryder: Swoggle Ryder wins via Getting Tossed by Brian Myers: 17 Inches out of 3 Feet
- Boneryard Match: Sex Ferguson vs Chad 2 Badd: Should have listened to the Bucks or Stayed in Japan
Karl Anderson pulls up to Gallows’ House with Rocky in a booster seat and run into Teddy Long wanting his money for appearance as Dave Penzer announces Karl, Doc and Rocky to the ring as they introduce the viewers to Gallow’s back-fucking-yard (His words, not mine) before we get the promo for the Boneryard Match for Sex Ferguson and Chad 2 Badd.
Social Distancing Battle Royal
The event starts with the Social Distancing Battle Royal with a bunch of amazing names inside the ring but none of them can hold up against the wrestling God known as Freight Train eliminating all competitors until Brian Pillman Jr comes in as a surprise entrant and tries taking it to Freight Train but suddenly Alex Koslov of the Forever Hooligans woke up from his drunken bender from last night to take the two on. After Freight Train did the deadliest double clothesline I’ve ever seen in my life, Koslov’s bearded mother came in to beat Koslov, the legend Freight Train and Pillman with her purse before eliminating the tenth wonder of the world, Freight Train but once the ring was clear and Koslov’s mom was in the ring, Chico el Luchador came in and eliminated her for the 24/7 Championship of Talk N’ Shop-A-Mania.
Aftermath: Doc Gallows tries to interview Alex Koslov but, his mom returns to beat him up with her purse.
If it wasn’t off the rails enough after the first match, the rest of the show becomes a jumble of run ins, references, gimmick changes, taco trucks and did I mention references? So until the Boneryard Match, the rest of this kind of runs together
The Russians make things short and sweet with a destructive Russian Sickle Clothesline but the Flock, Lodi, Sick Boy, and Big Yeti—I mean Big Ron Reese showed up to take it to the Russians before Reese, still thinking he’s the Yeti, dry humping the ring post but D’lo Brown comes down, bobbing his head like the 90’s from back in the day and hitting a Lo Down then suddenly, Gores from Rhino come out to make the 90’s party official. Brian Pillman shows up but it’s Junior, coming down to take it to everyone with actual wrestling moves and bumps. Rimjob shows up… I mean Kim Chee comes out, stomach coming over his dick but, nobody is around before Chavo Guerrero and Pepe come out and take out Rimjob. Willie Mack shows up, good ol’ Cold Stone hitting poor people with Stunners before Machine Gun hands Willie and Chavo some Talk N’ Shop Beerskis before Cold Stone Willie Mack stuns Chavo. Pepe is safe, don’t worry.
The next match up is Rory Fox giving us a history lesson from 2008 WWECW with Zack Ryder showing a jobber’s ass during a roll up and wants his revenge from all those years, ruining his legendary career. Brian Myers comes out and instead of Matt Cardona showing up due to elite contractual issues, Swoggle makes his appearance and takes on the massive hogged Rory Fox and Rory loses because Myers channeled his inner Gary Foster (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up) and launches Swoggle for the win.
Chico El Luchador goes to work out in Gallows’ gym in the basement but Chavo is attempting to kill him because of the past and take it all over the gym. Chavo beats Chico for the 24/7, in spite of all of the gas and juicing Chico has done and then celebrates with Chad 2 Badd with a Talk N’ Shop Beerski but Chad attacks him and wins the title off of Chavo because the booker winning the championship is never a Nightmare and makes them look like the King of the Mountain.
Boneryard Match: Sex Ferguson vs Chad 2 Badd
Chad 2 Badd coming in by a hearse but the druids drop him when taking him out of back, the druids run off because Chad is pissed off. Sex Ferguson shows up in his chopper of a Golf Cart with a lot of cameos from some amazing legends in the business. The Rock N’ Roll Express selling merch at a table, Heath Miller and Brian Myers enjoying some Talk N’ Shop Beerskis on some lawn chairs and the other half of Air Raid; Air Paris, sadly without his Phenomenal tag team partner back in WCW. Sex takes it to Chad. all the way to the ditch where Chad talks to Uncle Allen’s hand from the Bone(r)yard they saw and says it’s not his fault and he switched shows since Ball Lameman screwed them. Chad gets distracted by Maria again and dances with her just like Japan. Ferguson goes and hits Chad then is taking care of what he should have done in Japan before Maria pumps the breaks and stops all violence. Ferguson and 2 Badd keep laying into each other and kick nZo, falling into the merch table.
The two go to the top of the hearse and Sex goes for the tombstone but gets it reversed because Chad rips ass in Ferguson’s mouth. Suddenly, we get a “flashback” to September of last year where The Young Bucks sign Gallows and Anderson to AEW but, turn it down because texts from Triple H are cool. After some superkicks to get us back to the current day, we get to the end. Chad 2 Badd retains the 24/7 Championship, wins the Boneryard Match and the cowboy rides off into the sunset, not letting Sex Ferguson get his singles, babyface, IC Championship run.
Overall Score: Two Good Brothers out of Forty Bullet Club Members
(actually checked his math)
I… I wish I had more alcohol for this. This show was so fucking stupid, so hilarious, I popped so hard because of the WCW references with The Flock, AIR GODDAMN PARIS, The Yeti, all of this was amazingly awful and I am so happy I wanted to cover this. It’s like watching a car crash run into a train, through a tornado and the jokes, both inside and out with Gelatinous Paul, not getting fired like the last Mania they were in and even Gallows getting thrown off in another Boneyard Match, even the laughing sit up spot between Lesnar and Taker from their SummerSlam match years ago and much more.
This just was the worst Pay-Per-View ever and the best Pay-Per-View of 2020. I legitimately watched this multiple times because it is so horrible that it’s a miracle and I’m not just saying that because Mike Bennett showed up multiple times even if Maria kills him.